What I have to give
Lately I have been feeling myself dragged into this overwhelming darkness, this depression, I guess you might call it. But it doesn’t feel like my normal depressive state, it doesn’t come from inside of me but instead comes from outside of me. Like some weight I am lugging around, it pulls me down into the earth, sinking me deeper and deeper until my legs are encased in thick mud and I claw to escape but I can’t —this weight, it refuses to be lifted from me.
I have always felt that in this life we are granted the ability to be attuned to the spiritual center of the planet we call home. Like a spiders web, all of humanity is connected spiritually to each other, and most importantly to our home. Throughout time this web has vibrated with shifting negative and positive forces and we the people have reacted to that, either consciously or unconsciously. We can sense with a high perception things beyond our conscious mind. Recently, with the advent of computers and the Internet, we have a literally web that we are now able to plug into and visually see this shared consciousness.
And what I see in this web is deeply distressing. Article after article, photo after photo, video after video, showing me every way our home is being destroyed. There are brief glimmers of love and compassion but I find with every passing day they are being drowned out by fear. Human beings have this remarkable ability to share feelings and when we all share the same feelings they get magnified, they get internalized and shared again and internalized again and again and every time they go deeper. And so, I feel this fear, again and again and again and it goes into me deeper and deeper and deeper. I over hear conversations in public spaces, people speaking about ‘how the world is going to hell’, ‘everything is worse than its ever been’, ‘can’t you feel how things are different right now? Worse’. This fear, I think most of us are feeling it, it’s like a vibrating hum in the background —something’s coming. This fearful hum is sinking me deeper and deeper into the mud.
At night when I lay in bed I can’t help but thinking, what can I do? How can I affect change? How can I contribute to balance the energies, to bring goodness into this sea of frantic madness? What can I, a single individual really do to help? And the more I think about it, the more hopeless I feel, the more power this fearful weight has over me, the farther I sink into the ground.
The temptation to unplug, to ignore this connection it overwhelming. If I am not aware of the madness in the world it will no longer infect me, right? And so I bury myself in work, in creation, and it helps, for a while. It lifts my spirit, it makes me feel good again. But when I look at myself I am still in the mud, because no matter what I do, I am still apart of the web, I am still living on this, my home, and what happens to it, happens to me. And so I look again at the images flooding through my social spaces online, and the weight gets heavier. Things are worse than before. And I can feel it in my other place, my spirit place, things are getting worse.
And so I think again and again, what can I, an individual really do? How can I make any real difference? And it hurts me to think about this because the weight tells me nothing, you can do nothing. But how can that be? I feel it inside, I can do something, but maybe the something I can do won’t be as big or as flashy as the something other people are doing. Maybe my something is smaller, quieter. Maybe my something has to do with me being happy, feeling happy. And when I feel the happiest is when I am letting creation pour through me, when I am letting the place in which my stories reside, come to the light. And that maybe, maybe that is the gift the creator has given me to help.
And then I think about all the times when I was blissfully happy and wasn't I was using my gift, and wasn’t I diminishing the darkness then? Wasn’t I bringing in light? And that maybe I could teach others to do the same and if there are enough of us, using our light, our happiness, our gifts from the creator for creation that we can effect the web we are in, we can send small vibrations of happiness along it and that as long as we are sending our vibrations that goodness will exist. And that it will help. Me, you, as individual people, we can help. And maybe we aren’t making speeches in front of masses, and maybe we aren’t giving our lives in protest, and maybe we don’t feel like we are good enough to help, but we are.
Every time I share my gift, every time I nurture the seed of creative energy in a young person, I am giving what I can, what I have, what has been given to me by the creator. And I know that I am doing what I can do to fight the darkness. And little by little, I am lifting myself out of the mud, out of this depression, changing my small part of the web in hopes that the ripple effect will be felt eventually by all of us, by our home, and that one day, this web of ours will hum with goodness.
And so to you who likewise feel this weight, you, yes even you, the individual, you can make change too. Find your happiness, find the gift you can pass on and nurture in our youth, feel that goodness and know —you are helping.